funeral pyre

kat, april 16 2023

keyakizaka46 asked,

in their final moments,

center-less and unfocused,

but determined,

'who will ring the bell?'

'bear such a heavy responsibility?'

and they cry that out in my ears

that endless self-assertion

self-determination

is 'nothing but noise'

i think there's something brave

in being able to sing at your own funeral

to dance and perform for your fading fans

in the same jackets you performed funeral songs to

the funeral of your own center

cradled in the middle

isolated

curled into herself

into her forest green jacket

as the rest of you lay like shrubs nestled next to each other

a field you all created

one solitary leaf in the middle

rustled and crunched and torn

'when will our bell ring?' they ask

but they knew, didn't they

the moment hirate left,

that was their bell ringing,

the end of them

idols must know when their time is up

but to know as a group is a special kind of horror

i can only assume

i don't perform my life for others

but sometimes it feels like i do

when i feel aimless

when i feel like everything is dragging pointlessly forward

and i remember being bright eyed and happy

as i got into idols for the first time

and saw hirate's face

determined and assertive and pensive

and i cried out to myself when she announced her departure

because i didn't know her long

but it felt like an eternity through their music alone

and i write this down now

because i wonder

when my bell will toll

and if it will be on my own terms

or if those are just the lucky ones

and i wonder now,

does anyone have to ring the bell?

do we have to meet our ends on such sad terms?

i guess maybe not from outside the industry

but it's a sad fate to think about

sad enough to write about a song

for the funeral of an idol group